By Kelsea Stahler, Hollywood.com Staff
TV lovers are lucky these days. We've got this handy dandy invention called the DVR that makes it possible to be in two places at once. It's like a television time machine. But, as with any technology, when the honeymoon period is over we start to see the blemishes: mainly the fact that the hallowed DVR cannot record more than two programs at a time. How did that happen? Doesn't Mr. TiVo know that Dexter, The Good Wife, and Revenge all air at the exact same time? How are we supposed to decide?
And this fall, it seems that the decision process isn't going to get any easier. There's simply too much good stuff. But there are a few nights that provide truly confounding DVR dilemmas. Let us all begin the process now: We'll put the series' cards out on the table. Then it's up to you to tell us how you'll cut your losses.
Dilemma #1: Sunday Nights, 10 PM
666 Park Avenue (ABC)
Who's in it? John Locke from Lost, Vanessa Williams, and the cute brother from Brothers and Sisters.
What's it about? A haunted, historic New York apartment building. Possibly run by the devil.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Yep.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Yessir.
The Mentalist (CBS)
Who's in it? Simon Baker and some other people known for their appearances on The Mentalist.
What's it about? Having the chance to spend an hour with Simon Baker once a week.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Only if you've got a Simon Baker deficiency.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Yes. Simon Baker is also available in an online streaming capacity.
Homeland (Showtime)
Who's in it? Inigo Montoya, er, Mandy Patinkin, Damien Lewis, and Claire Danes.
What's it about? Terrorism and conspiracy theories. And Claire Danes' exquisite mental breakdowns.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? How is this even a question? Let me make this very clear: DUH.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Not legally.
Treme (HBO)
Who's in it? Folks like Melissa Leo and Wendell Pierce, but what you really need to know is that David Simon, who createdThe Wire, is pulling the strings.
What's it about? A New Orleans neighborhood of the same name which was heavily affected by Hurricane Katrina.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Yes. Just how much CSI have you guys been watching?
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? With an HBOgo login, yes.
Sunday Night Football (NBC)
Who's in it? American heroes (whose personal lives and indiscretions we'll ignore for the moment because it's time to watch football, dammit).
What's it about? 'Merica.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Yes, if you care about rankings and how a team makes it to the playoffs. Or if you have a Fantasy Football team. No, if you're just a casual Football viewer.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? No, but you can certainly read all about it.
You've got the info, so who's getting cut from your Sunday 10 PM lineup?
<a href=""http://polldaddy.com/poll/6510875/"">Sunday at 10 PM: Which Show Will You Cut?</a>
Dilemma #2: Thursday 10 PM
Scandal (ABC)
Who's in it? Kerry Washington and Desmond from Lost, Brutha.
What's about? The scandalous world of politics. Get it?
Do I need to see it every week, in order? It wouldn't be a bad idea.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Yes.
Elementary (CBS)
Who's in it? Lucy Liu and a handsome Englishman you probably recognize from Dexter.
What's it about? It's a modern-day Sherlock Holmes. Except Watson is a lady.
Do I need to watch it every week, in order? Not necessarily, but it couldn't hurt.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Why, it's elementary, my dear reader. (I mean ""Yes."")
Rock Center (NBC)
Who's in it? Brian ""Effing"" Williams
What's it about? News. You know, those things that happen outside of the television.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? No, but you might feel smarter if you do.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Select segments, yes.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX)
Who's in it? The best people on television: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Kaitlin Olson, and Rob McElhenney. Also, the wildly disgusting and entertaining Danny DeVito.
What's it about? Um. Well, there's a bar. And there's this group of friends... okay, we're not exactly sure what this show is ""about.""
Do I need to see it every week, in order? No. But did I really need to choreograph a dance to Charlie's ""Dayman"" song? No. Did I? Absolutely.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Not legally.
Jersey Shore (MTV)
Who's in it? Snooki, with child. And a bunch of other drunken yahoos.
What's it about? It's a scared straight video series preaching abstinence and sobriety by showing you what life can be like without those things. Oh, it's not? Okay. It's a bunch of reality nonsense.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Only if you really care about what ridiculous thing Sammi Sweetheart said last week while drunk on Ciroc at Karma. Whatever it is, it's got Ronnie really angry. No, bro. I've never seen him like this. Really.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Yes.
Alright, you have the details. Which series are you sending back to its mama's house?
<a href=""http://polldaddy.com/poll/6510871/"">Thursday at 10 PM: Which Show Will You Cut?</a>
Next: Your Tuesday nights are about to get complicated.[PAGEBREAK]
Dilemma #3: Tuesday 9 PM/9:30 PM
Happy Endings and Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23 (ABC)
Who's in it? Happy Endings has a top notch ensemble whose highlights include Damon Wayans Jr. and Adam Pally and Don't Trust the B has the fabulous Krysten Ritter and the hilariously self-aware James Van Der Beek.
What's it about? Friendship and doing awful, terrible things. So basically, ample situations for comedy.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? There is some reason to the order of these episodes, but of the two, Happy Endings is the one that demands a little more of your consistent attention.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Yes and Yes.
New Girl and The Mindy Project (Fox)
Who's in it? Zooey ""Is that rain?"" Deschanel, Schmidt (also known as Max Greenfield to those who choose to live in reality), and the incomparable Jake Johnson. The Mindy Project is mostly wrapped up in Mindy Kaling and her slate of awesome friends like Bill Hader and Ed Helms, but she's also got a worthy co-star in Chris Messina.
What's it about? New Girl is no longer really about Deschanel's clueless Jess and her wacky roommates (thank God). It's a series about uncommonly close friends and the uncommon things they're willing to do for each other. It's also dropped the ""adorkable"" part. The Mindy Project is basically her book, Is Everybody Hanging Out Without Me?, come to life. And that's fine by me.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Yes, you do actually need to watch this sitcom in order.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Yes, but Fox has this deal which requires you to wait a week to see new episodes online. Total bummer.
Go On and The New Normal (NBC)
Who's in it? Chandler Bing(!), a.k.a. Matthew Perry and a few other knuckleheads, lead Go On while Book of Mormon breakout Andrew Rannells and the least intense member of the Hangover set Justin Bartha lead a cast that actually includes NeNe Leakes on The New Normal.
What's it about? Go On is like Community if it was easier to understand and Jeff Winger was a sports caster forced into group therapy instead of a disgraced ex-lawyer being sent back to college. The New Normal is a family comedy about a gay couple and their sheltered, ex-Ohian surrogate. (And her crazy grandmother, because it's a sitcom after all.)
Do I need to see it every week, in order? For the most part, yes.
If I miss it, can I watch it free online? Yes and Yes.
It's that time again. Which perfectly-matched Tuesday night comedy pairing is getting the ax?
<a href=""http://polldaddy.com/poll/6510682/"">Tuesday at 9 PM: Which Show Will You Cut?</a>
Dilemma #4: Thursday 9 PM
Grey's Anatomy (ABC)
Who's in it? The show literally has over 15 main characters. If you can't find someone to love between McDreamy, Meredith, Dr. Bailey, and the hot one played by Eric Dane, then just wait, the show will be adding another hot doc soon.
What's it about? Were you not listening? Hot. Doctors.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Yep.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Yes. Seriously? Seriously.
Person of Interest (CBS)
Who's in it? The guy who played Jesus in Passion of the Christ and Ben Linus from Lost. There's some sort of garbled, half-assed religious message in there if you want to look for it.
What's it about? Our worst nightmare. Using New York City's extensive surveillance network, an experimental machine spits out the social security numbers of someone who's about to be involved in a crime. This duo operates illegally to stop these would-be crimes as peacefully as possible. It's Minority Report minus the futuristic swipe screens and plus a little more plausibility.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Not really. Jonah Nolan's series may be elevated above other CBS procedurals, but it's still case-of-the-week material for the most part.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Select episodes, yes.
Glee (Fox)
Who's in it? It might be easier to name who's not on the show.
What's it about? It's supposed to be about a glee club in Ohio. But again, it might be easier to write down what the show isn't about at this point.
Do I need to watch it every week, in order? Well, it certainly helps to make sense of the plot. But keep in mind, the overwhelming, lost feeling you experience when you miss an episode is not unique to those who actually miss episodes.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Yes. But again, Fox has the week-long waiting period before online viewers can catch up.
The Office and Parks and Recreation (NBC)
Who's in it? The Office will retain its famous pain in the neck, Dwight, until he leaves for his spin-off at midseason, and then you've got John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer with a side of Ed Helms. Mindy Kaling has left the building. Over at Parks, Pawnee is rocking one of the most hilarious ensembles on television with the amazing Amy Poehler, the enigmatic and wonderful Nick Offerman, the bouncy and hilarious Aziz Ansari, and so-annoying-he-wraps-back-around-to-funny Rob Lowe. The second half-hour is holding all the cards on this one.
What's it about? The Office is a show that is still trying to figure out what to do without Steve Carell. Parks and Recreation is a hilarious, loving take on Small Town America, written by some of the most well-respected comedic writers out there.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Not always, but both series introduce strong arcs.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Do Pawneeans hate leafy greens? (That means ""Yuck! Yes."")
Beauty and the Beast (CW)
Who's in it? Lana Lang, also known as Kristin Kreuk.
What's it about? Beauty and the Beast. Except instead of being cursed by an evil witch, the Beast is a product of sociopolitical injustice. Or something like that.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Yes.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Absolutely.
Now you know what's on the line. Who's your Thursday night cast-off?
<a href=""http://polldaddy.com/poll/6510853/"">Thursday at 9 PM: Which Show Will You Cut?</a>
Next: Thursday night, why do you vex us so?[PAGEBREAK]
Dilemma #5: Thursday 8 PM
Last Resort (ABC)
Who's in it? Scott Speedman, who's finally back on TV, and Andre Braugher, who's moving on from the critical acclaim and nonexistent audience for Men of Certain Age to ABC's ample resources.
What's it about? A rogue submarine, which are two words that truly belong together. Also, there is an island involved, but don't say it. Please don't say the L word.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Yes. How else are you going to understand what's happening with the erratic submarine and its headstrong commanders?
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Aye, aye, cap'n.
The Big Bang Theory and Two and a Half Men (CBS)
Who's in it? Jim Parsons and Ashton Kutcher. Also, some other people who aren't nearly as prominent in the promo materials.
What's it about? Nerds And Sex and Nerds And Sex.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Yes, there is an actual story line for both.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Usually, though CBS leaves out rogue episodes here and there to keep you on your toes.
The X Factor (Fox)
Who's in it? Simon Cowell's V-neck collection, Demi Lovato, Britney ""Truthify Time"" Spears, and L.A. ""I used to be a serious producer"" Reid.
What's it about? Supposedly, it's about finding a big star. But really, it's about what Simon and Britney are going to say to these poor, terrified hopefuls about their potentially bleak futures.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? That depends on how seriously you're taking the competition. More likely than not, the answer is ""nah.""
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Nope. You can catch a few clips here and there. What part of ""Live TV"" isn't getting your attention?
The Vampire Diaries (CW)
Who's in it? Lots of sexy young people, including Nina Dobrev and her real-life boyfriend Ian ""Smolderholder"" Somerhalder.
What's it about? Sexy vampires. Also werewolves. And a few super-vampires. It's fun, okay?
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Yes. The plot changes at a ridiculously rapid pace.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Yes. (And don't worry, it doesn't have any daylight restrictions.)
30 Rock and Up All Night (NBC)
Who's in it? The Comedy Elite. Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Tracy Morgan, Jack McBrayer on 30 Rock and Will Arnett, Maya Rudolph, and Christina Applegate on Up All Night. Can you say ""Jackpot?""
What's it about? 30 Rock is about television and Liz Lemon, the greatest television heroine known to man. (And by heroine, we mean lady hero. We don't want to inject her and listen to jazz.) Up All Night is kind of about family and a little about television. Mostly, it's about funny.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? No, not particularly.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Yes and Yes.
Chips are down, who's going home? (Or being left off your line-up.)
<a href=""http://polldaddy.com/poll/6510839/"">Thursday at 8 PM: Which Show Will You Cut?</a>
Dilemma #6: Monday at 8 PM
Dancing With the Stars: All Stars (ABC)
Who's in it? All your favorite DWTS contestants, like Joey Fatone, Drew Lachey, and Sabrina Bryan. Okay, they do have people other than former pop stars, but let's be honest: the pop stars are the ones we love best.
What's it about? Famous people who didn't used to know how to dance showing off what they now know about dancing since they've all been on the show before. That's kind of a twist, right?
Do I need to see it every week, in order? It's a competition, so yeah.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Yes, and faster than a triple pirouette.
How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
Who's in it?Two movie stars (Jason Segel and Neil Patrick Harris), a Buffy alum (Alyson Hannigan), a secondary character from The Avengers (Cobie Smulders), and a man who plays Ted, the master complainer, to whiny perfection (Josh Radnor).
What's it about? A group of hilarious friends, one of whom is obnoxiously on a plot-consuming mission to meet the future mother of his children, who've been listening to this story for way too long.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Yep. These New Yorkers swap significant others every other week. And Lily and Marshall are adorable.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Most episodes, yes. But again, CBS is inconsistent about that.
The Voice (NBC)
Who's in it? A bunch of talented people you probably won't remember by this time next year, and four celebrity judges we probably know a little too well: Cee Lo, Christina Aguilera, Blake Shelton, and Adam Levine.
What's it about? ""Finding talent.""
Do I need to see it every week, in order? It's another competition show, so yeah, it requires repeated, consecutive viewing.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Yes.
Bones (Fox)
Who's in it? David Boreanaz leaving behind his teentastic pop culture legacy as the Angel to Sarah Michelle Gellar's Buffy to be a detective and Zooey Deschanel's sister Emily.
What's it about? An FBI agent and the forensic anthropologist he loves and has the pleasure of working with. There are jokes and it's all pretty sweet.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Here and there.
If I miss it, can I watch if for free online? Yep. But a week later, because it's Fox.
Time to make a call: which show is out of your rotation?
<a href=""http://polldaddy.com/poll/6511020/"">Monday at 8 PM: Which Show Will You Cut?</a>
Dilemma #7 (a.k.a. The Doozie): Sunday 9 PM
Revenge (ABC)
Who's in it? The Queen of Bitchface, Madeleine Stowe, a few hunky men and a pretty, little leading lady Emily VanCamp.
What's it about? Revenge and scandal in the Hamptons. Eat your heart out, the first two episodes of every season of Gossip Girl.
Do I need to see it in order, every week? Do we need air to breathe? God, yes.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Thank the God of all things fabulous, you can catch missed episodes online.
Dexter (Showtime)
Who's in it? Oh, only Michael C. Hall and his ex-wife Jennifer Carpenter as a murderer and his adoptive sister who happens to be secretly in love with him. What's it about? Sorry, I sort of gave it all away in that first bullet point.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? If your interest has been revived by the potentially, seemingly incestuous relationship then yes.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Not unless you want to face the consequences of your illegal activity. Lucky for you, Dexter doesn't deal with internet pirates.
Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
Who's in it? Steve Buscemi, Kelly MacDonald, Michael Shannon, Michael K. Williams, and definitely not Michael Pitt.
What's it about? Gangsters and prohibition in the sleaziest American wonderland: Atlantic City.
Do I need to watch every week, in order? What are you, some kinda wise guy? Yes, you need to watch it every week.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? If you have an HBOgo login, yes. If not, fuggedaboutit. Okay, I'm done with those. I promise.
The Walking Dead (AMC)
Who's in it? Zombies. There are some bad ass folks on this show (hello, Norman Reedus), but we're here for Greg Nicotero's mind-blowing zombies.
What's it about? Perhaps I misspoke. This show is about zombies.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Last season, not necessarily. But this season, it's going to get crazy. So yes.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Nope. You can certainly buy episodes on iTunes though.
The Good Wife (CBS)
Who's in it? Multiple Emmy-winning television star Julianna Margulies, Alan Cumming, Josh Charles, Christine Baranski, and a slew of young, talented actors.
What's it about? Lawyers. But wait, don't fall asleep. It's just just another lawyer show. These characters are truly developed, real people that we can identify with and understand. Yes, actually.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? It would be wise to do so.
If I miss it, can I watch it for free online? Select episodes are available.
Sunday Night Football (NBC)
Who's in it? American heroes (whose personal lives and indiscretions we'll ignore for the moment because it's time to watch football, dammit.)
What's it about? 'Merica.
Do I need to see it every week, in order? Yes, if you care about rankings and how a team makes it to the playoffs. Or if you have a Fantasy Football team. No, if you're just a casual Football viewer.
If I miss it, can I watch it free online? No, but you can certainly read all about it.
Okay, folks. This is the big one. Who's it going to be?
<a href=""http://polldaddy.com/poll/6510678/"">Sundays at 9 PM: Which Show Will You Cut?</a>
Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler
[Photo Credit: (L to R): Paul Drinkwater/NBC; Robert Sebree/SHOWTIME; Craig Blankenhorn/CBS; Frank Ockenfels/AMC; ABC; Macall B. Polay/HBO; CW; Fox]
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Hollywood.com's Guide to Fall TV 2012
Networks Release Fall Schedule Changes: How It Will Affect Your TV Experience
Fall 2012 Pilot Preview Catch-Up: What's Coming This Season on Network TV
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